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Destructible

from When We Were Animals by Mishka Shubaly

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This is only the second love song I’ve ever written to someone before they broke my heart. I started writing it for Mattie before we’d ever even made out. She captivated me. All the details of her life seemed so exotic. And I feared my nihilism would make all that magic into something banal. It’s funny, Mattie’s younger than me so I think she imagines me to be the strong one in the relationship. Well, I’m older than her, so I know better. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said something along the lines of “there are few things in the world more fragile than the male ego.” It’s true, and it only gets worse with age. I had David Gates’ recent story “Banishment” in my head while I was writing this and I was afraid that we’d find out down the line that there was nothing holding us together, or that she’d grow into who she is and I’d still be me and we’d find that those people were incompatible. Another song that ends in suicide, which is apparently how I end my songs.

lyrics

(for Mattie)

Farmer John, you’ve got a lovely daughter
Green apple conditioner like blood in the water
Chipping fingernail polish, second year of college
What secrets does she keep inside her heart-shaped locket?
Tea so sweet
it hurts your teeth

Farmer John, I’m in love with your daughter
She lets the towel fall and steps into the water
Her slender body swinging like a pendulum
As close to the beginning as I am to the end

I am destructible
Paranoid, untrustable
Glass half empty, resentful
Out of patience, out of time
Fire prone, unbulletproof
I cannot tell a truth
Cut the shades down, pull the lights
The darkest hour is just before
The middle of the night

When the ‘child bride’ jokes are getting tired
Time’s not on my side
It’s not too late, it’s never too late for you
To change your mind

(chorus)

Cut the shit now, kill the lights
My darling
Goodbye

credits

from When We Were Animals, released May 1, 2018

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about

Mishka Shubaly Phoenix, Arizona

Shipwreck survivor, Jeopardy clue, bestselling writer, road dog on house arrest.

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